Sima Qian's letter (pt 4, a tiny step)

A good companion is a severe distraction

Productivity has been low, but I'm going to bring it up, I can feel it. I can see into my dissertation, see how it will have to work, and what needs to be done. More than ever, this is a blog that will tackle the problems of my dissertation.

Returning to finish working on the Sima Qian letter. Really, I had no idea I would take so long to mess about with this. Nevertheless, a closely-considered look definitely seems warranted. Today's fragment:

僕少負不羈之才，長無鄉曲之譽，主上幸以先人之故，使得奏薄伎，出入周衞之中。僕以為戴盆何以望天？故絕賓客之知，亡室家之業，日夜思竭其不肖之才力，務一心營職，以求親媚於主上；而事乃有大謬不然者。

Your servant in his youth was a talent that couldn't be bridled, but grown up, there was never praise for him in my home village. Our Ruler, fortunately, because of my late father, helped me to achieve some slight skill, emerging and entering the midst of Zhou and Wei. Your servant considered: if a man wears a bowl on his head, by what means will he ever gaze on Heaven? Thus I cut off all knowledge of visitors and guests and lost utterly the enterprise of our home. Day and night I thought only of using to the utmost my unworthy talents, serving with one heart this official post, that we might seek trust and favor before our Ruler. And yet, in the end, there was a great deceit that made it otherwise.

I like that even in this tiny, out-of-context fragment, we can see how personal the tone is with Sima Qian. His emperor is both a distant authority figure and a object of very personal feelings -- just like a father, we might think, except this is a father that also carries the all-encompassing scope of the sky itself. Such a ruler-father necessarily interrupts the correct relationship with the true father, and the clan he represents. I'm reminded that there is complete ambiguity over whether service to state is good for the family or not.

The phrase 周衞之中 was difficult, which turned out to be good because it pushed me a little deeper. No dictionaries carry the phrase, but if we look at Yan Shigu's 彥師古 commentary to the Han shu at this point, he says "Zhou and Wei means that he was staying in the most secure, most enclosed place" 周衛,言宿衛周密也, i.e., the interior of the palace.